(tl;dr: Ignore all of this. I’m depressed and just want to write something.)
Today’s song is Let’s Talk About Me by the Alan Parsons Project. I chose a self-centered song because this post is basically a self-serving waste of time, but the song is catchy. The Alan Parsons Project is weird because almost everything the Project has released is depressing, but most of it is also catchy and quite innovative. I can’t listen to Parsons’ stuff for very long, but I enjoy the music any time I cue it up.
Every day I want to write, and either nothing comes, or I get a little bit written, conclude there’s no point, and just save the draft. None of the tricks I’ve learned to snap myself out of this garbage have helped much. Mindset – none of that. Listening to music – a bit. I’m getting some medication adjusted, hopefully that will help. It’s like a wet blanket settled over my mind and emotions, suffocating, dark, and I can’t find my way out.
The question I have is: What do you do when you’re depressed, but you still want to write?
I feel like I have to self-censor because I don’t want to spread the misery around. I don’t feel like it would be helpful or edifying to anyone. I write a bit and think, ‘I can’t release this.’ There are plenty of people out there who are depressed. Can this help anyone? I tend towards the practical, probably to a fault, and if I’m not sure, I’ll just hit ‘save draft’ and let out a deep sigh.
The good thing about the lack of energy that comes with the depression is that the regrets that would normally bother me, the stabbing pains I mentioned, I don’t have enough energy to persecute myself over them very much.
Here’s one regret I have: I was on a huge learn-Japanese kick a few years ago–it was a sort of missionary zeal. That failed. I had the ‘faith’ to make the money come in. It didn’t. No money came, the energy dissipated, and I had to give up on a dream. I still follow a lot of folks on Twitter who are interested in Japan, still love reading about the country, looking at photos and reading stories, but I’m stuck. I have very little optimism that my family’s financial situation will change to the point where we can afford to fly there on vacation. All of that worked-up ‘faith’ just went away. I still would love to learn the language, still would love to go there, but I look at that time in my life and I just want to cry, or hit my head against the wall, out of hopelessness.
That’s one of the stabbing pains I deal with: I feel like I messed up. I’m not worried about the time having been wasted–it doesn’t matter, it’s already gone. Any friends I had who were on that ‘journey of excitement’ with me, we drifted apart. There’s no more excitement there. Just pain, regret, and frustration. Something that felt like it could have been, is nothing. I try to read the little bit of Japanese I did know–the syllabaries–and every month I can recall even less. I think, ‘well, I should look them up, so I stay fresh’…but what’s the point? Is there a point to knowing a language you’ll likely never use? It makes me angry and hopeless at the same time. I can’t do anything about it. Oh well, screw that, open another Twitter window and go argue about something.
That’s enough moping for now. It’s useless, it doesn’t help anyone, and hopefully I haven’t wasted anybody’s time by writing this.