Depression and Cognitive Dissonance

(Note: I am not a doctor. I cannot cure depression. I can only tell you what has helped me. If this makes sense, good, but please, please get help if you are having thoughts of suicide.)

I’m coming off of a period of intense depression that lasted for a good two days, so severe I wanted to die. Later this week I got a bit of a revelation on it–something ‘clicked’, in other words, something that might help you or your loved ones in the fight against depression.

But first, the music: Good Vibrations by The Beach Boys, the extended version off The SMiLE Sessions…because it makes me smile, and maybe it will do the same to you.

Cognitive dissonance is defined as:

the mental discomfort (psychological stress) experienced by a person who simultaneously holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values. [1]

The human mind is not capable of believing two very different things at once. I cannot believe I am both good and bad, saint and sinner, at the same time (the teaching of most Christian churches). I cannot believe that I am sick and healed at the same time (Charismatic nonsense). And I cannot believe that God is supposed to have me somewhere else while God is making it impossible for me to be anywhere else but here.

In my life, my mind has ‘broken’ more times than I can count, based on life circumstances.

For instance, I believed I was called as a missionary to Japan. Yet my parents weren’t interested in sending their son to Japan. A crack appeared in my brain.

I later believed that if I studied Japanese, that God would send me to Japan. The money never came (in fact, things got worse). Family members were against the idea. Again and again I beat my head against the wall–I was learning Japanese, yet the doors remained shut. More cracks appeared in my psyche.

I went to Alabama for a conference featuring a very charismatic minister who introduced me to the grace message–how I am already sanctified, free from sin, and that I am already righteous and complete in Christ. I am a new creation. Between Matt Ford and the teachings of John Crowder and Benjamin Dunn, my mind began to renew. Things got better…and worse.

I believed that since Alabama was a wonderful place–at least Gadsden, Alabama, is–that we were supposed to move there. This fell apart. I wasn’t going anywhere. Larger cracks appeared in my psyche.

I went to Indiana, despite family objections, to a wonderful community of saints in Fort Wayne. I thought that this had to be the place where we had to live-the presence of God was so concentrated, so tangible there, and the genuine love everyone had for each other was something I hadn’t experienced in my life. I thought we were supposed to move there. I was wrong. The cracks widened.

I didn’t know it at the time, but I was headed for a nervous breakdown. I was convinced by satan, or whatever lies were in my head, to run away, first to that community in Indiana (I didn’t make it–I developed symptoms of a heart attack and got held up in Indianapolis). My family graciously rescued me. Stress drove me to run away the next week, this time to a remote national park in God-knows-where, something-Carolina. I parked my car when I ran out of gas and went on a ‘faith walk’ where, influenced by demons or whatever crap was in my head, that I was going to leave and go off-grid. Hours went by in the freezing cold and I couldn’t stand it. My family once against rescued me, and put me in a mental hospital. While in that very prison-like facility, I first received treatment with mood stabilizers and anti-anxiety medication.

Once I got out of the mental hospital, things did improve a little–the anti-anxiety drugs made life much easier at work, where anxiety had been a constant hindrance to my performance. Yet I still wanted to go back to Indiana. Some of the cracks remained, and no healing came. I had friends all over the United States and the world, via Facebook and social media, but it seemed like I would never see them face-to-face again.

I’m not 100% certain–and to be honest, I am still, off and on, angry at God about this–I’m not certain that I ever will meet those friends again. Finding real-life friends has been close to impossible. I have been stuck in Atlanta, Georgia, unable to go anywhere for years, and at times that pisses me off beyond belief.

Edit: I apologize to the people I unfriended on Facebook–at one point I unfriended everyone except family, because I thought I was being influenced badly. I needed that time to heal from my nervous breakdown. I’m sorry that I unfriended you, and I pray you’ll forgive me.

Back on topic: I began to recover from my broken mind. Yet depression would rear its ugly head, most often during bouts of intense cognitive dissonance. Japan got leveled by a tsunami, I thought it would be good to learn Japanese and go to help, but nothing happened with that and my mind broke again. I told my employer that I couldn’t stand life and more, and left work to go kill myself. I realized I couldn’t, so I called my pastor at the time and he talked me down.

This past few months my mind has broken over and over again, as I lost my job and had to take another with an extremely painful pay cut, leaving us unable to pay bills and do much more than survive. I don’t know, day-by-day, how we’re going to make it. Food is on the table, but credit card companies call every hour on the hour, debts mount, and we can’t pay. My mind has been breaking over and over again.

Paradox: I am a good person, this shouldn’t happen, but it is happening.

Paradox 2: My family needs provision and God is good, but he is doing a hella bad job of providing.

Paradox 3: I need a new job, I should have one, but I like my job, but I can’t afford to stay at my job, but God hasn’t opened any doors. You get the idea.

These paradoxes have been breaking my mind, forcing me to the point where, once again, I was at a place where I wanted to end it all. I couldn’t, though. The first day my prayer was, ‘Lord, I want to live.’

The second day was, ‘Lord, I don’t want to live, but I need to live, for the sake of my family.’

I made it through those two rough days and got this revelation: that the worst of my mental breaks, the worst of my bouts of depression, are caused by cognitive dissonance: believing things are supposed to be one way and comparing them with reality, which says the opposite. I can’t believe things are supposed to be good and bad at the same time, yet they are, so how do I deal with that? Something has to give, and I thank God I’m on medicine that helps take the edge off, and that I don’t own a gun.

There have been lies in my head, probably still are plenty of those–that God is not love, that this will not work out, that things will not get better. Part of this is cognitive dissonance, part of it is hopelessness–the two play a tag-team in your brain, and you’re always the loser.

How do you overcome cognitive dissonance? Hell if I know. What has helped is meditating on the word of God–just three concepts. One: my oneness with Him. Two: there is only one power, and that is God. All other names that can be named are under him. Three: divine provision. I need revelation in all of these.

Another thing that has helped is joining a community on Facebook where I can just be myself–where I can express the darkest problems of my soul without being judged and tossed away like yesterday’s garbage. That has been a tremendous help.

Family has been a help. My wife is a ‘prayer warrior’, and even though she may not understand how I feel, she knows when I am hurting, and is always faithful to pray for me.

Cognitive dissonance really sucks. The good thing is, that your brain can slowly become more flexible. You can learn to deal with life when God seemingly answers ‘no’–I need more money, it doesn’t come. I want more friends, I can’t make any. And so it goes.

Things do get better. Through God’s help, you can learn to put things on a mental shelf labeled, ‘things I do not understand’. You can learn that though situations don’t agree, God still loves you. And you can experience the manifest presence of God as a comfort, even when lies are beating in your brain like a sledgehammer and you just want to die.

It’s happened to me. And maybe it’s happening to you. But I promise you, God can get you through, and God will get you through. “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” He’s not done with you yet, and he won’t give up on you. Ever.

Edit: Cognitive dissonance is not the only problem associated with depression. The other is hopelessness, which I will write on in the future as I get a little more revelation on it. 

I bless you in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. May you see yourself as He sees. Amen.

 

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