In The Fog I’ll Find You Where You Are

Today’s song is I’ll Be There by Andrew Rayel.

God has ways of speaking to us without words, without a voice that we hear out loud or in our heads. (He can do both, but I suspect Holy Spirit values subtlety and quiet.)

I haven’t written much over the past few months because, to be honest, I’ve been in a funk most of the time, Thoreau’s quiet desperation, as worries have been crowding my mind and relief has seemed like it will never come.

This song was exactly what I needed.

If you trust me
I will take you
Farther than the stars
You’re the ship and
I’m the lighthouse
In the fog I’ll find you where you are

Beyond the stars. I’ve dreamed of both natural and spiritual experiences that transcend normality. Getting to see the world, when I’ve barely stepped foot out of the state in twenty years. Experiencing mind-blowing revelation from the Word. And other stuff I can’t imagine at the moment because my world has grown far too small–I haven’t been able to look up from the ground.  Continue reading “In The Fog I’ll Find You Where You Are”


I’ve had nothing to write for the past month or so, or at least no ideas that felt worth committing to keyboard and screen. Part of it is the fact that I lost my job in November, and though I have since secured a form of employment, it hasn’t been a pleasant time. 

Normally this would be the perfect time to write, for artistry sometimes comes out of suffering in many cases, but in me, it caused the well to dry up, so to speak. I’m still not fully over the emotional rollercoaster that it’s caused, for certain dreams of mine have been crushed once again, and I don’t know what to share with you about that. 

I had plans to go back to college, and those were ruined when I lost my job. Right now I feel lost and adrift. At times I’m depressed because I need education in order to get a better job, and I can’t afford it. I need IT certifications and can’t afford those. I feel stuck, and that’s not a good feeling. 
Sorry I have nothing good to share. Perhaps that will change soon. 


photo-1474393881983-cd780bf9f4adsomething’s wrong

[looks around] Why do I feel bad? What’s wrong with me?

something’s wrong – something’s wrong – something’s wrong

Ugh, what is this?

all your failures – all your failures – all your failures in sequential order


failures – failures – failures

Wait. [checks pockets]

doom – doom – it’s over – this is the end

Crap, I forgot to take my meds.

failure – doom – something’s wrong – something’s wr… [silence]

That’s a little better.

Tithing: Does It Work? (Week 1 and 2)

Our church put its money where its metaphorical mouth is and made a money-back guarantee to the congregation: if they tithe for a certain period of time and they were not tangibly blessed, the sponsor would pay them back 100%. I thought this a bold move.

The idea of giving a tenth of one’s income to the church is a controversial one. I’ll let you study it yourself. My family has gone back and forth on it, but we decided this time that we would start back again and never stop. I decided to chronicle what happened so I could tell people, ‘hey, this works’ or not. 

Week 1: 

I asked our pastor for help and he diagnosed the exact problem I’ve been having: I’m in the middle of a mid-life crisis. That clicked with me. He is putting me in touch with resources and people who can help lead me through this.  I was able to be brave and meet with my pastor, despite my fear from previous encounters with leadership at other churches. 

An audiobook version of The Anglican Way came out. I own the Kindle version and had read half of it off and on. I started listening again, but wasn’t able to stick with it. 

Week 2: 

For ‘some reason’, I’ve had this very strong desire to pray the morning and evening offices, using this site, during my morning and evening commute, and sometimes this site before bed. I wanted to do this before, but I couldn’t get up the energy to do it. 

During my morning and evening commutes, I was able to also listen to quite a bit of The Anglican Way. I went from less than half done to 100% done within a few days. This is remarkable, because reading or listening to nonfiction is sometimes difficult for me. 

I got a speeding ticket, which could have been a disaster with points and an insurance hit. But when I told the police officer I thought it was a 45mph zone, he told me he believed me, because it was a common misconception (it’s actually 35mph), so instead of writing 50, he wrote 49, which he said shouldn’t impact insurance or add points to my license. 

There was also men’s breakfast at my church, which I had only gone to once before because it’s at 8AM on Saturdays and my weekend World of Warcraft raid night ends at midnight Friday night. But I wanted to go, and I woke up feeling pretty good despite the fact that it was 7:15 on a Saturday and I ‘should’ be sleeping until 10. I went, and felt a lot less awkward than before. The fact that I wanted to go was remarkable. 

So over two weeks, my heart has been connected with my faith and my church much more. It’s interesting how when you engage with God through finances, how good things happen. I have more to report from today, so I will mention that in the next post. 

Put It On The ‘I Don’t Know’ Shelf

Today’s song is Haunted by One Wolf, because not only is it a good song and I know the guy who wrote it, it also includes the words ‘I don’t know’ in the lyrics. Useless lyric recall skill FTW.

One of the hardest things for a new Christian to learn is that there are a lot of spiritual things that are not addressed in the Bible, or not clearly addressed there by reading plain English translations alone. Many Protestant churches, especially, have embraced the modern scientism ideal which says, ‘everything can be known,’ and leave no room for mystery. But God isn’t meant to be understood that way, and many Christian teachers, especially those who have gone to cemetaries seminaries, are taught pat answers to everything from heaven to hell and in between. They can give the Approved Answer© to everything, but their answers are clinical and unsatisfying to the genuine, seeking heart.

Over the years, I’ve come up with a method of dealing with theological conundrums, or just about any problem, where I have already looked into the issue as thoroughly as I know how (reading books, articles, asking other people) and I still don’t understand, I have a ‘mental shelf’ set up in my brain called the ‘I Don’t Know Shelf’. Continue reading “Put It On The ‘I Don’t Know’ Shelf”

The Ladder

Today’s song is Homeworld (The Ladder) by Yes, off of their album The Ladder. (Click the image to go to Spotify; I wasn’t able to use the embed code this time.)

I had hoped to contribute to this blog daily. So far it’s not going quite as well as expected. This week I’ve been struggling with what appears to be depression, which isn’t normal. I’m going to get some counseling/treatment next week, so hopefully I’ll have some good news and I’ll have the energy to write again. 

I just need to find a ladder to climb out of this dark place and I’ll be fine.