You Can’t Escape

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Photo by Michael Jasmund on Unsplash

I was grieving inside. My life over the past few days had been dominated by distraction. I wasn’t reading the Bible as I should, I wasn’t listening to worship music, I wasn’t ‘doing the stuff’ necessary for spiritual growth.

I was afraid.

Afraid of backsliding. Afraid of falling away. Afraid of going back to distractions.

I had spent five years away from grace, forgetting who I was in Christ, time away from what I knew of His Presence, wasted time focused on video games and not much else.

I didn’t want to go back.

I pleaded with God, “Lord, I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to backslide. I’m not doing the things I need to do to grow. I’m scared.”

I saw a circle around me, the Trinity. I saw myself surrounded in a love embrace. I saw myself in a dark room. When I would back away in fear, God’s presence was there.

“Beloved, you can’t get away from me. When you back away from me, you will back right into me. When you run away, you will run right into my arms. When you go, I will follow. I am always here, and will always be with you.”

I put on some worship music and just cried and cried. I was still afraid, but a little less afraid. I knew He wasn’t lying, but I was still grieved. I wasn’t in sin, but I was still worried about distraction.

I went to sleep that night still bothered. Surely God was with me, but if so, why was I having a hard time concentrating on what mattered (the Bible) and an easier time concentrating on what didn’t matter (fiction novels)?

I don’t have an answer for this yet.

What If I Wasn’t Afraid?

sammie-vasquez-549428-unsplashThis week has really had the theme of ‘perfect love casts out fear’, as my recent post mentioned. I could be a case study with regards to how God’s love ‘turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror’ (1 John 4:18 AMPC), as, for some reason, fear has been a dominating factor in my life for years and years.

Though a lot of my Big Fears have been taken care of through experience with God being faithful (fears such as dying early, or Really Bad Things happening to my kids), a lot of little niggling fears have plagued my life and stolen my joy for far too long.

Most often, the fear of man has been the ‘joy thief’. What will this person say? What did his/her facial expression mean? What does my boss think of me? Am I in danger of getting fired? Am I in trouble? The list goes on and on. You name a fear, I’ve probably dealt with it in one form or another.

Recently, Holy Spirit has been dealing with me to deal with ‘the little foxes that ruin the vineyards’ (SoS 2:15). In this case, the ‘little fears’ are what is messing up the vineyard of my heart–the Secret Place where I meet with God inside. These ‘little foxes’ distract me from the presence of God and cause me to focus on things that will never happen, or really don’t matter.

So what can be done about the little fears–not the Big Fears that keep you awake at night, but the little ones that pester you like sand gnats on the beach?

Yesterday, the question came to me,

“What if I wasn’t afraid of that?”

This clicked in my spirit.

I asked the question over and over. Someone looked at me funny: “What if I wasn’t afraid of them?” Passing people in the hall: “What if I wasn’t afraid of them?” Someone says ‘hi’ on the elevator: “What if I wasn’t afraid of them?”

And on it went.

And you know what? It’s helping. I’m realizing that I don’t have to be afraid of anything or anyone. That’s important. It helps me become more bold and less timid, something that looks great at work or anywhere.

Fearless ambassadors of Christ–that’s what the world needs.

Jesus, Inside

I sat in the prayer room for a long time, back in the Dark Days, back in the Dry Times before I understood grace.

This song, Jesus, You’re Beautiful, by Jon Thurlow, was one of the songs that I remember from those times. Recently, some friends of mine sang it during a worship session and ‘redeemed’ the song in my mind.

I know that your eyes are like flames of fire
I know that your head is white as wool
I know that your voice, it sounds like waters
Jesus, you’re beautiful

On the way home, I reflected upon the Dark Days, where I would sing songs like this and attempt to think heavenly thoughts. We were to develop ‘holy imaginations’, reflecting on passages that described God, such as in Ezekiel, Daniel, and Revelation. I don’t know if it ever worked for me. I tended to get distracted easily back then.

In the middle of my remembering, I had a conversation with Jesus that went something like this:

You know, I’m honored when you talk about my physical appearance, but I much prefer talking about me in you.

I felt the presence of God inside, a strong sense of Jesus-being-within.

I don’t mind people talking about what I look like, but it distracts from the experience of having me stand up inside them, ‘Christ in you, the hope of glory.’ It’s easy to become obsessed with seeing me in my physical form, but I want people to realize that I am right there, inside, through the Holy Spirit.

The focus changed. I still sang the song to myself, but it was no longer about a Person, distant and far away, on a Throne somewhere else in the cosmos.

It was about Christ in me, the hope of glory.