Over the meandering journey I’ve taken out of legalism and out of Christian Charismania into clarity, I’ve discovered times where everything feels like it’s coming apart: that’s it, my life is over, there is no way I can possibly get through this emotional pain, game over, the end.
And then, it’s like everything suddenly breaks. In a pleasant way–the pain comes to a head and in God’s presence it breaks, or dissolves, and I’m through. And things are better. Not simply restored to what I had before the pain, but better than that: mind clearer, inner vision sharper, emotions more keen and no longer tortured.
Right now I’m pretty messed-up, and I’m getting help for it. But I do remember times where things got radically better, and in turn, things got better for my whole family.
It seems to me that when things get better for me, when I’m more mentally and emotionally healthy, that things get better for my family. My kids do better in school, my wife does better at home and at her job, and I have more mental clarity. Often I’ll get promoted or something else good will happen along with it.
That’s part of what helps me through these dark times. Sometimes I have to tell myself, out loud, many times, “It’s going to be OK. You’re going to get through this. It’s going to get better.” My emotions are saying, “IT’S OVER, THERE IS NO WAY THROUGH THIS, THIS IS HELL AND IT’S GOING TO BE LIKE THIS FOREVER!”, and I know, from experience, that it’s not. Most likely it’s something physical, possibly my amygdala lying to me: saying ‘fight or flight’ when neither option is necessary. Medication helps with this, but not always. But at least the worst of it is controlled.
When I get through this time, I will probably punch through another glass ceiling. Life will get better. I don’t know what will change, but I’ll get through, and my thinking will be less muddy. And when your thinking becomes clearer, life becomes better. It’s easier to have a positive perspective, and when you have a positive perspective, the world around you changes.